Car Pool Log: 2007 11-19

Even Douchebags Drink Tea

(PAUL and JOHN are riding in PAUL’s Lexus sedan. PAUL has a crisp, clean and white dress shirt from a Rhode Island shop on a hanger in the backseat. JOHN is a clean-cut guy with slicked down, short hair. At first appearance they seem like attorneys. But, they more than likely involved in some kind of financial institution or real estate. Businessmen. They are both in their late thirties, early forties, and seem to be riding with each other out of convenience. They pick up THIRD PASSENGER, the audience to their conversation - has little to no reaction to the proceeding.)

PAUL
John. Your coffee.

JOHN
Oh.

PAUL
It’s in the way.

JOHN
That’s not coffee. It’s tea.

PAUL
Like I was saying, she can get in a bad way.

JOHN
I noticed. She can get very involved with the alcohol.

PAUL
I told her to lay off the hard stuff. She becomes this different person.

JOHN
She goes from demur to atrocious in a heartbeat.

PAUL
Usually she’s fine in public, sweet and stuff. Then, once you get behind a closed door, she’s vicious.

JOHN
Same thing with Heather.

PAUL
Well, I handed Victoria an article yesterday.

JOHN
Oh no! About drinking?

PAUL
You know, they have that section in the paper, either the Chronicle or in Parade, that’s called… what’s it called… The Couch. It’s where a couple sits on a couch together and talk about their relationship. Husbands and wives, boyfriends/girlfriends, boyfriends/boyfriends, girlfriends/girlfriends, whatever they have in the Bay Area.

JOHN
Transgender/Transvestite.

PAUL
And, uh, she’ll always comment on it. Like, “these people don’t sound like their in love.”

JOHN
She’s always critiquing.

Pause.

JOHN
Hey, Paul, how do you know you’re not picking up a serial killer here?

PAUL
You take your chances.

JOHN
This guy could have an axe for all we know. Should I be hiding my neck or anything?

THIRD PASSENGER
No, I left my axe at home today. You’re safe.

PAUL
It’s one of the more unique things to the Bay Area. I don’t know anywhere else that has this casual car pool thing.

JOHN
Casual car pool.

PAUL
Yeah. I think they have it in Seattle.

JOHN
So, Paul, what’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

Pause.

PAUL
Uh, what’s that, John?

JOHN
About sixty-five to seventy pounds.

Long, uncomfortable pause.

JOHN
What’s the one thing you can feed a woman that will kill her sex drive. I mean, completely annihilate it?

PAUL
I don’t know.

JOHN
Wedding cake.

Pause.

PAUL
(Politely.) That’s funny.

JOHN
I was at a corporate meeting last week and, well, a few weeks ago we had to eliminate two positions. I had to let two people go. And we’re sitting there and Mark was like, well, John, what are you going to do about picking up the slack. So I looked over to the woman who ran that department and Mark was like, no John, you’re taking care of it.

PAUL
She can’t run her own department or something?

JOHN
That’s the thing. She only had two hourly associates. I let them go. And Mark says that I have to shoulder her burden because I have the resources. Twenty general managers and two hundred associates.

PAUL
Well, you’re kind of the guy people go to do when something needs to get done. Something’s broke? John will fix it.

JOHN
Yeah, John’ll fix it.

PAUL
How long have you been there now?

JOHN
Almost a year. Since April. I have to stick out the two-year term. This place is going to make me or break me.

PAUL
In what way?

PAUL
I’m either going to fly hard and fast or crash and burn. Fly or crash.

Pause.

JOHN
Heather says to me the other day, “Oh, the Lions are playing on Thanksgiving.” And I said. Heather, honey, the Lion plays every Thanksgiving. They’ve been playing every Thanksgiving since the beginning of Thanksgiving. Every time you make Thanksgiving dinner I’m in the living room watching the Lion’s game. Well, she says, you never used to do that before we were married. And I said, there’s a lot of things we used to do before we got married. You know what I mean?

PAUL
Uh-huh.

JOHN
I came home yesterday and couldn’t get into my parking spot. Heather had it full. Cases of Heineken and such.

PAUL
Oh yeah.

JOHN
Yeah, I’m actually looking forward to this weekend.

PAUL
You’re going up to Tahoe?

JOHN
With Beth and Jim.

PAUL
Do Heather and Beth fight at all?

JOHN
No, they get along fine. Jim’s okay. I always want to stick a pin in him to let out some air, you know what I mean?

PAUL
He’s uptight.

PAUL
Oh yeah. I’ll just put a Xanax in a rum and coke. That should loosen him up. I was telling him I was going to get him high. The last time we got high together he got all agitated; he started talking about our wives. But he’s alright. Our relationship is very superficial. You know, I like their son Ethan but it’s their daughter that rubs me the wrong way. She bosses Audrey around like a little sergeant.

PAUL
That’s strange. Audrey always seemed so independent.

JOHN
She is. Her teacher at school suggested that they be separated.

PAUL
They’re in the same class?

JOHN
Yeah. But not anymore. Heather had her moved to another time. But that Beth, man, she’s a piece of work. I like being around her. She’s good times. She sits around the place in her pajamas, braless with her C-cups. And those pajamas are translucent.

PAUL
Are you serious?

JOHN
Oh yeah.

PAUL
No wonder Jim’s a jealous guy. His wife lounging around like that.

JOHN
Yeah, he’s always telling her what she should and shouldn’t be wearing.

PAUL
The girls do that too.

JOHN
That so?

PAUL
Well, Heather commented to Victoria about her dress style.

JOHN
Did she really?

PAUL
That night we came over for the meatloaf.

JOHN
Oh yeah, wasn’t that good?

PAUL
Not really.

JOHN
What? Too oily? Too greasy?

PAUL
Something like that. Anyway. Yeah, Heather told Victoria that she dresses too dressy, too revealing. And once you comment on another woman’s dress style it’s like World War 3.

JOHN
No kidding.

End Scene.

Car Pool Log: 2007 06-13

Silver Honda Civic. First time riding with Edna in a long while (refer to CPL 2006 08-25.)

Second Passenger was already present when I arrived, reading a book in the backseat. Driver said good morning and we were on our way.

A notebook in the dashboard, something that looked like boxing gloves or a knee brace, a pair of sunglasses.

KQED on the radio. The volume too low to make out what was being said. I was also very sleepy on this trip, staring out at passing and moving vehicles, daydreaming about the coffee I was going to get.

Car Pool Log: 2007 06-12

Green Subaru/Isuzu. Driver was reading the Chronicle and listening to music from a satellite radio station, a stream of late-night or chill electronica.

Jackets in the backseat, tins of mints in the dashboard. Driver’s keys, in the ignition, had a trinket; a border of leather surrounding a gold plate that had a red figure or a house painted on it.

Second Passenger arrived while reading the paper (refer to SP from CPL 2007 06-04.) He stepped in and Driver asked, “What? No yogurt today?” and they both laughed. “No, just an apple for me. I had gone to muffins for a while.”

“Muffins?”

“Yeah, but the danger of leaving crumbs in other people’s cars was too much.”

“Oh, I see.”

An orange hat with blue letters embroidered on the front. A fire extinguisher in the tail-end section of the car.

Car Pool Log: 2007 06-11

White, two-door with blue plastic interiors.

Car drove up and the woman in front of me hesitated before getting in. There was a man Driver. She approached the car, stopped and turned around. “Actually,” she said. “Do you want to take this one?”

“Sure,” I said. The passenger side door had tape on the outside and some kind of plastic tag.

Pens and an ID in the dashboard. Morning talk radio. DJs were having a competition, quiz-show style, between a girl who was under thirty and still living with her parents and an established individual who was over thirty. A commercial for assistance for those who have poor to little sex drive. I thought how uncomfortable that woman would’ve been in the car.

Driver went passed the Howard/Fremont intersection and dropped me off next to the bus terminal. As I walked towards the Orrick building I passed the woman who offered me to take her place in the car.

Car Pool Log: 2007 06-08

Silver-gray-beige Toyota Camry sedan. Second Passenger was in backseat, reading a newspaper.

“Can I move the seat back some?” I asked.

“Yeah, I have plenty of room.”

The interior of the car had the familiar morning smell. A CD-R in the dash along with a Motorola cellphone and charger. A travel mug.

AM radio. The crackling sounds of a poor frequency. News reports: Scientists at the CDC are researching how to rid spinach of E. Coli. “It’s something we’re very interested in,” a man was quoted as saying. Well, I’d hope so.

A bumper sticker on a red Prius: Trees don’t grow on money, either. Don’t quite understand what was being said there.

Car Pool Log: 2007 06-07

Gray Toyota Tacoma pick-up, two seater.

A quiet ride void of conversation, very little evidence. A paper clip, a bottle of water, KFOG on the radio: Dave Matthews Band, a girl riding in AIDS Life Cycle from Los Angeles to San Francisco.

Watched cars as they drove by: a patchwork purple VW bug, a red pick-up with landscaping equipment, a red Prius.

Car Pool Log: 2007 06-06

Green Subaru Outback station wagon (refer to CPL: 2007 05-10,11).

Driver was reading a library book and placed it in the back, onto the carseat. The title was “How to Babyproof Your Marriage.” It had an orange label on the back cover that said, 7 Days. The first quote promoting the book was from Brooke Shields. A black canvas bag, a blue tote bag filled with newspapers, blue carseat bag covered in white airplanes.

Second Passenger read the sports page from the Chronicle. Low volume KQED radio, Moscow missiles to point towards Europe in the event of their strengthening defense.

Cupertino Electric pick-up truck.